One of the issues I face with regards my mental health is that my head is a noisy chaotic place and can at times, drown out every actual noise around me, causing me to become confused and disorientated. This exacerbates my stress and anxiety and is a frequent occurrence however music, despite being a noise itself, is the one of two things that disperses both the noise and the chaos. The other is walking although I do not walk and listen to music at the same time. I do one or the other. If it is late or the weather is not in my favour (I live in Glasgow so rain is not uncommon) I go into the living room and lose myself in my music. I have an extensive playlist split into sections, a ‘chill’ section which is mostly just instrumental but also a bit of a punk pop section which cheers me up.
Music has been my solace since around the age of 12, Madness came onto the scene and songs like Grey Day really struck a chord with me. I am fortunate that I have mostly had my own space. I had my own bedroom from around 7 years old so I could lug the cassette deck (for readers under 30 here is a cassette/tape deck also known as a ghetto blaster ♫♪.ılılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılılı.♫♪ and a spare tape too |[●▪▪●]| ) up to my room and play my music to my heart’s content. It was my preferred company and I often seemed to misunderstand people and they, in turn, often misunderstood me. School was just another noisy environment and I did not excel myself there, just longed to return to the safety of my home and the solace of my room and my music. I liked a range of genres back then too, Mum had a tape with Otis Redding, Procol Harum, Jeff Beck among others and then I had Madness, Duran Duran etc. Cheery music for some days and other days I was with Procol sitting at the dock of the bay. Whatever music I listened to, all other noise in my head, the other voices, the arguments, the angry clashing of bells, it all stopped as though to listen too. All I heard was the music. I often wonder if the singer/writer of the song thinks of his listeners as he is writing as some songs just seem to hit home so well.
A thing I like about playlists today is that you are totally in control of what song comes on. With one click you can pop onto the next song if you decide you don’t one to listen to the current one. I like the order of my playlists and never use the ‘shuffle’ selection. It confuses me and removes the control element. I like to know what song is coming next. Even as a teen I would select the vinyls I wanted, sort them into order then record them onto tape. For hours I would just lie on my bed drifting enjoying the silence in my head, it was so soothing, refreshing. Looking back I don’t think I realised that I was under stress or unhappy, in fact, when I was there I was not unhappy, I was in my ‘safe place’ listening to harmony. My parents and probably others would have called it a racket given some of my choice of songs/bands (the Clash and the Specials were also popular on my list) but to me there was peace, an inner peace that could be found nowhere else.
I still get that peace today, when the world gets too much for me, when my own head gets too chaotic and loud I sit at my PC open up the Spider Solitaire and my playlist and can feel the calm wash over me and the peace and tranquillity descend upon me. No pill or therapy I have come across (yet) has done that. I am and will always be so grateful for a charity organisation called RAMH Causeway – Recovery Across Mental Health for the help and support that they have given me over the last year or so, they may not even be aware of how much they have helped me. I am also very grateful for Ruby and others in setting up Blackdogtribe.com which, alongside RAMH, has allowed me to see that I am not alone in my struggles and that there are people out there that both understand and care.
lesleyb3 